Post-breakdown post

So I will be absolutely honest with you: I’ve had a really tough week, feeling tired and run down. And then yesterday, for reasons that aren’t totally clear to me, I cried. Like, a lot. During awkward moments: driving to the library. Watching tv. It’s pretty much out of my system but I feel that really hollow, exhausted way that you feel after you’ve had a big cry.

It’s officially beyond 6 months of unemployment and I am just exhausted. I’ll recap the recent failures: that company that asked for my references and got me all excited? They never contacted my references and the recruiter that said she would call me “next week”… never did. Then I talked to a recruiter, who sounded like a 20 year old and was named “Leilani,” about a role at a startup. When I mentioned that I had left my last job in March, her response was, “That’s a long time.” Then silence. Not a question. Just a hurtful statement (and frankly, 6 months is the industry average, you Hawaiian bi-otch). I felt pretty badly about it and didn’t really want to go to the interview. I really should have followed my gut and canceled. But I figured, what the fuck: I can spare an afternoon. So I meet with the hiring manager, and whereas her philosophy was “hire somebody smart who can figure it out,” the phrase of the day should have been “known thyself” as in “know that you actually want an individual to do X, Y, and Z and that even the smartest of individuals is not going to be able to ‘figure it out’ if they’ve never done it before.” Total waste of my time and their time too and I got the rejection email the next morning.

Also, did a second round of interviews with a “startup.” The first interview was forever ago so I assumed I had been dropped from the process at that point. In fact, as I was leaving, I noticed that the September issue of Inc had Mindy Kaling on the cover. So I went in search of it only to find that by mid September, the September edition was gone, the October edition was on shelve. So based on these events, I know that it had been exactly a month since interview 1 and 2. Went ok enough but then I got an ambiguous email from the recruiter (who herself had only been at the firm for ONE week) saying they were going to keep looking. (One interviewer had been there 4 months, one for 2 months, TWO for ONE week.)

So I broke down and contacted a career coach that my friend had used when she was becoming bitter and low-energy. I am scheduled to head up to SF tomorrow, first to meet with a placement firm and then to meet with the career counselor. It’s pricey (so pricey that I can’t even bear to post the price) but I am hoping that I gain something in the way of focus or energy or confidence to be successful in my next efforts.

Also, I’m generally kind of hating my family. That’s a random statement I guess and it is the result of some events from almost one year ago. In a nutshell, I don’t believe that I will be attending my sister’s wedding next year. It’s extreme and part of me knows that it’s excessive. But the other part of me is fed up with the BS of my sister and my mom and I’m at the that point that I just don’t want to do anything involving family. Like, ever.

Ok, I guess that’s it from me.


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