Solitude can kill you

So let’s see– it’s Tuesday. This week has been ok. Sent out a couple of job applications and am eyeballing a few roles that I should look into tomorrow. Had a phone screen today. Not sure that anything from the past couple of weeks is going to work out– haven’t heard from the teams though I checked in with one recruiter today.

So in the Bay area, there has been a rash of teachers being arrested for illegal incidents. Some involve drug sales. I think one had to do with molestation perhaps. It’s becoming something of an epidemic. Last week, this male teacher in Albany was arrested for an indecent act with somebody under the age of 14. It was kind of fascinating b/c the guy was young (28) and Asian. And generally speaking, I really like it when young guys are teachers for young kids– kids always like them and look up to them. I still remember a 4th grade teacher at my elementary school, Mr. Lee. He was really nice to me. I’ve actually googled him a number of times wondering what he’s up to. Never found him.

Anyway, this 28 year old teacher was charged and released and there was a pending investigation. Then, he killed himself yesterday and the whole thing has just been so shocking and sad. Now, I’m being totally candid in this blog (mainly b/c of the quasi-anonymity) but sometimes I think about suicide. I just think about how bad the world is and how nothing really seems to be worth it. I know that for me right now, it’s really just the boredom. I have nothing to contribute to and nothing to build towards. The lack of progress can really be awful. But then when I think about that moment when you do that thing and then it’s just over: it’s hard to really think about. Like you really do have to be at that point of ultimate desperation. And this guy– I don’t know what the investigation will reveal. But the embarrassment was great. And the consequences might have been bad as well. But you can’t help but think that a guy who was just in his late 20s– it wasn’t his time to go. There was a lot more living to do and you have to wonder, in those last moments of his life, what he thought about, what his real intentions were (escape, hopelessness?) and what that last push from contemplation to execution really entailed.

Not that it’s totally related, but my grandma was in a coma following surgery a few years ago. She was basically dead but held together by machines. Up to that point, I believed in taking a person off of life-saving equipment especially if there is no hope for a meaningful recovery. And when she remained in a coma for over three days, my family had to make the decision to take her off the machines. And what I thought was a pretty cut-and-dry decision actually was really hard. I’m not religious but it really struck me how you were playing God in deciding when a person’s soul leaves the earth. The finality of it all was really striking. In the end, my grandma died a day before she was scheduled to be taken off life support. And when my sister and I got to to the bed in the emergency room, what was really noticeable was the silence. Because whereas before the death, there are breathing machines and beeps and people talking and lots of noise, afterwards, there’s only silence and it’s so eerie and weird. That’s kind of what I imagine the last moments of a person’s life to be like when they commit suicide: that there’s noise and thoughts and worries and all this stuff rushing around and panic and what should I do and what’s going to happen… then the person does what they do and it’s just silence. It’s just silence. And it’s all over and you pass the point of no return.

I wonder what would push me over the edge to take my own life. I mean 6 months of unemployment– ok that’s not appropriate. But at what point of feeling like it’s just not getting better and life is passing you by and you can’t even begin to conceive of a better life tomorrow– at what point do people make that irreversible decision?

Gonna give life a go again tomorrow. Can’t wait til the weekend so I can relax again.

— DOA

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