Journaling is all I have

Hey there, anonymous blog. It’s me. Spent a sad day by myself– not that I didn’t have offers for company (b/c strangely there were a good number of invitations to go out and get together). Just was feeling too crap to be of any fun to anybody. So decided to spare others my bouts of spontaneous crying and just spend the day on my own.

I’ve hit a really low point. I don’t know if this is temporary and if I’ll find strength come Monday and do what I can to get sorted. But I just feel really hopeless (I know– I’ve said it before but this time, I really mean it!) I think the rejection on Friday was a real fork to the eye. My friend told me not to take it personally but it’s hard not to. I feel like Google hates me despite the 3.5 years of good work that I did for them. Can I tell you a really random secret? A few years ago, Google really effed up and screwed a bunch of employees over. Well, in truth Google screws people over all the time. My friend, an employment lawyer, pointed it out– it’s a fairly obvious mistake with monetary implications. I never thought about it too much but it’s always been something that has lingered. I think the statute has passed to do anything about it but I still have the printouts from work showing the mistake. I always wonder if I could/should give Google a final “eff you” and contact a lawyer and try to squeeze out some revenge money. In my dreams, I guess.

And just for the record, and rather stupidly– I don’t even know that I really would want to work at Google again. I was talking to my former coworkers about it and we all agreed that it sounds so good in theory– it’s fun, people there are great, there’s free food. But the minute we step back on campus (for free food) memories come flooding back. Of feeling confined and stuck and generally how most people feel when they finally make the decision to leave the company. So it’s just so stupid b/c all I’m annoyed about is not having the red carpet rolled out for me, a cheerleading squad that says “Welcome back!” And it’s totally ridiculous and maybe I sucked as an employee and this shouldn’t surprise me. But then I look through LinkedIn at all the people going back. And some are way better than me. Actually most are so ok: I get it. High bar. Can’t make it over. But still: I hate when I don’t have the shot at something. It’s my pet peeve. It’s the thing that drove me to reapply and get into bschool school when I was rejected the first time. I know Google– you don’t love me anymore. But it still kind of hurts.

Anyhoo, I feel like I’ve exhausted my boohoo stories with friends so I try not to bring up the sorry state of my life too much. Nobody wants to hear it and I can understand. But then it just builds inside of me and I get weepy and depressed. And I end up spending all day checking for jobs in an OCD craze (even though jobs aren’t really posted on weekends so really it’s a wasted effort through and through). So all I have then is this blog which granted, yes is online so I can’t be totally forthcoming, but is a good exercise in catharsis. So yeah, that’s all this is– just me feeling sorry about myself and releasing all my angst and anger in a manner that doesn’t drive people away. And writing all about it in a nonsensical way. Being lame. And self-pitying.

I just spend the past 10 minutes looking at ppl’s Facebook profiles. So happy in their lives. I’m stuck.

My life sucks. I hate it all.




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