Still job searching. Still painful. For some reason, last week felt like a legitimate week to take off and relax a little bit. I had two interviews so maybe that’s why I felt like I’d done enough in the job search process. Also was feeling generally exhausted and sad so a small break seemed to make sense.
One of my bschool classmates, one of the last in my class to sort out a job, received TWO job offers last week and ended up accepting the one that she was more partial to (that also happened to be more of a stretch role, whereas the one she had turned down was nearly identical to what she’d done years ago– so, good for her). I feel really happy for her– she’d been in the same boat as me since summer 2011 and had been floating from friend to friend’s house in the past year. She was also able to successfully transition from one type of marketing to the type that she wanted to do. She gives me hope: I am not concerned about being unemployed right now. I don’t have bills to pay and hey, life is ok (except that my parents are driving me nuts). But I do get concerned that having a gaping hole in my resume will make me increasingly less desirable as a candidate and when I see that my friends are able to get job offers after a lengthy period of unemployment, it gives me a certain level of hope. My friend is also older (in her mid to late 30s) and that also gives me hope that you’re never too old to take on a new challenge.
It’s tough looking online and seeing that 2012 graduates are already working and companies are placing ads for 2013 grads. I know that I bring this up a lot, but I’m older for a new MBA (given that I waited to return to school) and whereas I have been told that I use this as a crutch (and acknowledge, to some degree that I do) I feel like my not being a spry young, moldable thing makes me less desirable for more entry level roles. I feel like an old dog at the pound. I’m surrounding by these energetic, adorable little things and day after day, I see them getting picked up and adopted. And here I am old and not as adorable. But I have character! And I’m so loyal! And I’ll be your best friend! And I’m potty trained! Sometimes old pets get adopted. But it’s a harder sell and it’s a particular type of person that looks for that kind of companionship.
And then I think about what happens to older pets that don’t get adopted. Yeah, I am being melodramatic but sometimes they get euthanized. And I dunno– I feel like this experience of being unemployed and wallowing in the sadness of feeling unwanted and useless and watching the world and my life pass me by… I feel like it’s living a slow painful death. Or it’s an existence in a vat of nothingness, waiting for death.
I’ll be honest here: I’ve been having little spurts of suicidal thoughts here and there. Not enough to really act on it, but more that I don’t know what could be the next phase of my life. I don’t really know if the next phases of my life are going to be worth it. The more time I waste, the more I will probably not find a mate when I’m still able to have children, the more likely I will end up living a mediocre life, with a bad career trajectory and no family and nothing really to justify my existence. I was reading the unemployment stories series on Gawker and one person was saying that if not for his/her children, he/she would have committed suicide. It really kind of struck me b/c it was so real and true. And it made me think that I really feel like my sense of hope and things that I have to be proud of and look forward to are so few… it seems hopeless.
On the other hand, I just watched an episode of Ellen and Bethenny Frankel was on. Now some love her. Some hate her. She is kind of a handful. She was on the original season of Real Housewives of NY. At the time, she was really struggling. She was single. And then she started dating. But that relationship wasn’t going anywhere. And her career was eh. And she was getting older and she was sad about a lot of things. Then she had a single epiphany, created the Skinny Girl line of adult beverages (which she sold) and now is married, has a daughter, has a talkshow. Can big things happen like that? Just boom boom boom– a single spark that shoots you up from your pathetic existence and jumpstarts you into a fabulous new life?