It’s madness

So I meant to write a post yesterday but then I got really lazy. It was the 11th anniversary of 9/11 and there was a touch of sadness and respect was paid to the tragedies that cost so many people their lives and loved ones. I feel like everyone can remember where they were and what they were doing when news of 9/11 was released. I personally was unemployed and about to head to a yoga class. It was a Thursday morning. And sadly, 9/11 changed everything for everyone. In my mind, it was the shift that impacted our sense of security in every sense of the word.

I’ve been feeling slightly anxious b/c it’s now September and I have been unemployed now for 5.5 months. It’s not awful but time is creeping by. I don’t mind being unemployed b/c I have the benefit of being able to live at my parents and spend $0. I have been reading a lot of books and hey, Fall tv has started so I am staying busy. But I’m just worried about what having a gap in my resume will mean. I don’t think I would get turned down for a job because of it, especially given the current economic situation. But I can see my interview requests tanking if I have to admit that I stopped working in 2012 and not 2013.

The outcome is a sense of helplessness and sadness. But it’s also anger, if I can be completely honest. I’ve felt myself getting annoyed with people for various reasons in the recent past. So I feel like if I just put it all in one post, then I’ll get it out and can move on.

So clearly there is a certain anger with recruiters and companies. I mean: I get it– they are sorting things out on their ends. But it’s just aggravating having to put up with disorganized sometimes incompetent company representatives. But I think I’ve grown a skin to it so I just figure it is what it is.

I think what makes me more mad is friends and family and how my struggling impacts either my perception of them or their behavior. I don’t know how much is appropriate to write in a blog. On the one hand, I don’t want to seem like I’m talking about people behind their backs, especially if I haven’t had the time to speak with them in person to communicate my dissatisfaction. On the other hand, I think if I talk at a higher level, maybe it doesn’t become a personal attack and is more just an observation of things that have made me sad.

Now, I’m very aware that nobody wants to hang out with a Debbie Downer. My unemployment and general unhappiness shouldn’t be the focus of anybody else’s world and so I think I have gone out of my way to minimize it as a facet of my life. But I think I’ve been surprised at the ummm maybe insensitivity of some of my friend’s to my situation. I try to think about it from the opposite side: how would I act? How would I support them? I mean, I wouldn’t go above and beyond and make that person the center of my world and try to solve their problems– so I know that expecting the opposite is not realistic.

But I dunno: I am feeling rather poorly these days about a couple of my friendships and I’m wondering how to go about it. One, I guess I could see this as just being situational. When things straighten out, I’ll be in a different headspace and won’t be as moody. But I feel like I look at certain people and think: you didn’t support me. And I have a feeling that will be a lasting sentiment. And there isn’t really a reason to hold onto fairweather friends– if a person isn’t a positive influence on your life in your time of need, what good are they really at all?

I dunno. I’m just all a mess these days. Have two interviews scheduled over the next two weeks and a couple of roles where it’s unclear where I sit in the process. Not totally hopeless but not a great time either.

— DOA

 

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