Journaling is all I have

Hey there, anonymous blog. It’s me. Spent a sad day by myself– not that I didn’t have offers for company (b/c strangely there were a good number of invitations to go out and get together). Just was feeling too crap to be of any fun to anybody. So decided to spare others my bouts of spontaneous crying and just spend the day on my own.

I’ve hit a really low point. I don’t know if this is temporary and if I’ll find strength come Monday and do what I can to get sorted. But I just feel really hopeless (I know– I’ve said it before but this time, I really mean it!) I think the rejection on Friday was a real fork to the eye. My friend told me not to take it personally but it’s hard not to. I feel like Google hates me despite the 3.5 years of good work that I did for them. Can I tell you a really random secret? A few years ago, Google really effed up and screwed a bunch of employees over. Well, in truth Google screws people over all the time. My friend, an employment lawyer, pointed it out– it’s a fairly obvious mistake with monetary implications. I never thought about it too much but it’s always been something that has lingered. I think the statute has passed to do anything about it but I still have the printouts from work showing the mistake. I always wonder if I could/should give Google a final “eff you” and contact a lawyer and try to squeeze out some revenge money. In my dreams, I guess.

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Google (the opposite of) hearts me

So no happy news for this end of the week. I was just rejected by Google, my former employer for 3.5 years, for a contract role that I had interviewed for. It really kind of smarts, this one, b/c I really wonder who they are going with; my value proposition throughout the process is that I am familiar with the company, have successfully done big projects and could easily jump in and out and get it done. To be honest, the entire time, I was a little bit suspicious about whether they were even going to fill the position, given some information that I found after the fact. It wasn’t my dream job but it was one that I thought was symbiotic for all involved. I feel really tired and kind of weepy and I am guessing that this could be a nice trigger for calling it a day and relaxing. Continue reading

Incapable of love?

I feel like such a Debbie Downer these days. The job search has really taken a toll on my sense of happiness and I feel like I’m near the end stages of the grief cycle. First I was really driven to get onto my next thing– my last job was such a shitshow that it really was an effort to escape. I don’t think that was denial but it was basically emotionless go-getting (which to be honest, is not that bad and is what I should be doing now). Then it was anger: why not me??? I think I’m probably in something of a depression right now– just generally feeling lethargic and down. The last phase of the grief cycle is acceptance which I don’t know really fits with what I am going through. I feel like I’m going through the motions of interviewing but sometimes it feels like “make-believe.” I’ve done so many interviews and the outcomes are always so disappointing that I feel like I’m going about this job search mechanically and with no passion at all. Which I guess is ok but sometimes I feel like I’m not taking things seriously.

I was talking to my cousin the other day. She recently moved and was able to square away a job pretty quickly through personal connections. I asked her how her job was going and she said that she loved it. Now, I have to say, my cousin and I are polar opposites. Where I am kind of a sourpuss and unethusiastic for the large part, my cousin is bubbly and excited and really (almost unbelievably) positive. So when she said that she loved her job– I was excited for her but at the same time, I wondered: have I ever LOVED a job? Have I ever LOVED anything? Continue reading

Won’t somebody take me home?

Still job searching. Still painful. For some reason, last week felt like a legitimate week to take off and relax a little bit. I had two interviews so maybe that’s why I felt like I’d done enough in the job search process. Also was feeling generally exhausted and sad so a small break seemed to make sense.

One of my bschool classmates, one of the last in my class to sort out a job, received TWO job offers last week and ended up accepting the one that she was more partial to (that also happened to be more of a stretch role, whereas the one she had turned down was nearly identical to what she’d done years ago– so, good for her). I feel really happy for her– she’d been in the same boat as me since summer 2011 and had been floating from friend to friend’s house in the past year. She was also able to successfully transition from one type of marketing to the type that she wanted to do. She gives me hope: I am not concerned about being unemployed right now. I don’t have bills to pay and hey, life is ok (except that my parents are driving me nuts). But I do get concerned that having a gaping hole in my resume will make me increasingly less desirable as a candidate and when I see that my friends are able to get job offers after a lengthy period of unemployment, it gives me a certain level of hope. My friend is also older (in her mid to late 30s) and that also gives me hope that you’re never too old to take on a new challenge. Continue reading

It’s madness

So I meant to write a post yesterday but then I got really lazy. It was the 11th anniversary of 9/11 and there was a touch of sadness and respect was paid to the tragedies that cost so many people their lives and loved ones. I feel like everyone can remember where they were and what they were doing when news of 9/11 was released. I personally was unemployed and about to head to a yoga class. It was a Thursday morning. And sadly, 9/11 changed everything for everyone. In my mind, it was the shift that impacted our sense of security in every sense of the word.

I’ve been feeling slightly anxious b/c it’s now September and I have been unemployed now for 5.5 months. It’s not awful but time is creeping by. I don’t mind being unemployed b/c I have the benefit of being able to live at my parents and spend $0. I have been reading a lot of books and hey, Fall tv has started so I am staying busy. But I’m just worried about what having a gap in my resume will mean. I don’t think I would get turned down for a job because of it, especially given the current economic situation. But I can see my interview requests tanking if I have to admit that I stopped working in 2012 and not 2013. Continue reading

Everything old is gross again

The startup scene here in the SF Bay area is so big right now. Investment money is available and there are so many smart and driven kids (I call them kids) that are trying to change the world and be their own boss. It’s definitely a professional decision: trying to do something different because you have the smarts to execute. But I would argue it’s also partially a lifestyle decision: not wanting to enter the hell that is the corporate machine because it can only suck the lifeblood out of your creativity and sense of purpose.

I went on an interview last week at a smaller company– which one would assume would mean that it has the fervor of being a startup. And… fail. Part of it is location in the South Bay portion of the Bay Area. Most startups these days are located in the Peninsula or in the SOMA region of SF. It feels exciting. And perhaps I’m biased because I grew up in the South Bay but whereas South Bay just feels run down and static, the Peninsula and SF feels alive and new. You see hipsters and artists and ad people and it just envelopes you in the excitement. Continue reading

Ooh child, things are gonna get easier

I didn’t sleep very well last night and I thought about getting up to write a post (I’m more pensive at night). But instead, I popped a sleeping pill and fell asleep at some point. I feel a bit groggy right now– not sure if that’s related to the pill (it’s homeopathic so I’m hoping not) and how much of the heaviness I feel just in the pit of my being.

I think some of it comes with it being a short week because Monday was a holiday. Even though I’m not currently working, three day weekends are AWESOME. I had a really relaxing time and saw friends and it was just good. I have two days full of interviews until the next weekend so today I should prep, tomorrow and Friday survive it all, and then go back to relaxing this weekend. Continue reading