Falling off the edge of the world

So this has been kind of a weird week. I had a lot of energy to job search earlier this year, since I was employed and there was an immediacy that was implied. Then this summer hits and things were still ok. Then a few big letdowns. And then things get super sleepy in August. And now it looks like there’s some activity– not as much as before but some. But my whole temperament is off. And inertia has somewhat set in.

This week, I’ve been having a lot of mini panic attack-like over-thinking episodes. A lot of it has been about the real point of this whole exercise of working and living in the Bay Area. Housing prices are getting ridiculous. RI-DI-CU-LOUS. A half of a million dollars can maybe get you a two bedroom house in a undesirable part of town with a poor school system. A former coworker and her husband are looking at real estate in the Peninsula area and a two bedroom condo, I believe, will cost about $800K. Lord.

And I think about the winners and the losers in the Bay Area. I’ve interviewed at a few enterprise companies in the Bay area recently (and realized that I probably don’t stand a chance at all). The newer ones are cloud based. The older ones are IBM and Oracle and the companies that have been purchased by the bigger players. The people who graduated and came into the workforce in the 1980s got the best deals, in my opinion. They started at these companies and have the background and rose through the ranks to take leadership positions in these new cloud-based solutions. More over, they probably bought houses in the 1980s for a fraction of what they are worth today. So you have an executive who makes $250K a year, who owns a home purchased for $200-300K and is now worth $800K+. They are set and all the money they continue making, it’s just gravy.

I feel like the rest of us, myself included, are fucked. We won’t get to enter a burgeoning market. We won’t get to learn as we ride the wave. We won’t get to buy real estate at realistic prices. All around us, industries are dying or becoming so niche and it’s almost to the point of “who cares?” HP just posted losses and will layoff workers. Back in the 80s and 90s, HP was the way to go. It was growing, personal computing was the wave of the future. Now Apple has won a lawsuit over Samsung. Who knows what that means for the future of any other company besides Apple. I don’t know– it almost doesn’t seem worth it.

And this all makes me so afraid. I feel hopeless and I feel skeptical that I will ever live a good life. That I will never live the American dream here in the Bay Area. That I will not live the immigrant dream of having a better life than my parents were able to provide. And I don’t think I’m suicidal (so nobody get too concerned about me) but I do sometimes wonder the point of it all. If there is a point. I feel like it would be better to do a regular job in a regular town where I can have a semblance of a nice life. I kind of just want to flee, if I can be honest. I just want to run away and not be so concerned and do fun things and not care about all the bs of living an adult life here in this uber competitive market.

Feeling down.

— DOA

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