Resist and desist

Ooh, it’s been some time since I’ve posted. So immediately after my interview last week, I felt really off Thursday and Friday. I knew that it was probably allergies and perhaps my body adjusting to my new allergy meds and decongestant. But by Sunday, it was clear that something had happened (maybe a sinus infection) and some gross stuff oozed out of every facial orifice for pretty much the entire day.

So now I’m better!

Still unemployed though.

So one thing that I have noticed while job searching is that my former employer, a SF Bay area video gaming company, is hiring like mad. I look at some of the roles and think, man– if I hadn’t spent a miserable 6 months there and hate the company with a passion– I could apply for these roles and be gainfully employed. And I know that it’s irrational: I was miserable while at the company while I worked there as a contractor. That shouldn’t really change if I took on a full time role. I know it. And I won’t apply for the jobs. But still– it presents tension within my body, particularly because I see the role that I had held while there now posted as a fulltime position. Part of me thinks: you will never get somebody who worked as hard and produced as good of work given low guidance as ME.

When I first started at the company, initially a 3 month contract that later was extended twice, I could tell that I wasn’t happy. I wondered what it really was: was it because it was a new place and it felt foreign? Was it because I was learning things and therefore was frustrated because it was period of transition? Had I forgotten what life was like in the working world and did I just need to snap out of it?

But the more I self reflected and could articulate what wasn’t quite right, I knew that it was the company. On a side note, I recently looked at reviews of the company on and my sentiments are eerily reflected in a number of company review entries. So I feel pretty strong in my feelings. The company was at a time of change– a senior leader had recently started and a restructuring occurred while I was there, resulting in a number of individuals leaving the company. The company is completely siloed, people didn’t seem concerned about growing the business (what happened in the late 90s is apparently a-ok for today!) and the amount of trash talking that I observed was ridiculous. By my last week there, one team– which at the time had 3 of 4 roles filled and was seeking to fill the senior-most position– went from 3 to 0 employees in a one month period. That’s right: every single person on that team opted to leave the company.

So in light of all these things, I know that it wasn’t the right place for me and I should feel lucky that mine was a contingent assignment and that I escaped with good experience under my belt but without any further damage to my motivation and habits. I know it and I know that that company is a place that I should never look to apply to, will never get hired at, should never work at ever again expecting a positive experience. It’s done. Door closed. Sage burned. Done.

But it’s still hard when you have to close doors. They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Here’s to hoping that that’s true.



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