So I should start off by explaining that I’m suffering from nearly incapacitating allergies right now. I’ve noticed that during and after a heat wave, what is referred to as “Spare the Air Days” in the SF Bay area b/c the air is so muggy and air quality suffers, my allergies are at their worst. I can’t smell anything and I took a look up my nostrils the other day and noticed that one nostril is 30% the size of the other one. I’ve had one septoplasty in my lifetime and now I’m wondering if another surgery is necessary (and they are pretty awful). Add to that the fact that it’s that certain special time of the month for me. So all in all, I’m a bit of a mess but hopefully getting better.
Yesterday was a rough day– just kind of an amalgamation of everything. It was the graduation weekend for the bschool that I attended which was an obvious reminder that one year has passed and I have not yet secured a full time job!!! Now, I know that I have to cut myself some slack– I did take a role in October of last year with the hopes that it would become a full time position. It didn’t and in some ways, it scared/scarred me a little bit about the state of work environments out there (the company was a mess). But having looked for a job at the same point last year and knowing that things slow waaaaay down during the summer, I am worried all over again.
It was also Father’s Day. So I’ll probably write about this sometime in the future, but I’m not really on speaking terms with my younger sister and told her earlier this year that I didn’t really want to be in her wedding party (she is getting married next year). So on holidays (Mother’s Day, Father’s Day) my parents go out with my sister and fiance and I’m not really invited. It kind of sucks.
And then just generally speaking, job searching is emotionally draining. So many stops and starts. Feeling insecure 24/7 for long periods of time. It takes a toll. My friends say that I seem to be overly impacted by the job search– that yes, it sucks, but just push through. And I would agree with them: that I should just robotically send out resumes, do the phone screens, accept the yay or nay and move on.
I feel like I’m just being total lame sauce these days. I know it. I know when I’m doing it. I know my friends are growing increasingly impatient with me but on my side of things, when you are in the rubbish bin and feeling down, you have to turn to friends otherwise your head will explode. I am being a burden to my parents who just want to enjoy retirement and hold grandchildren. The whole ecosystem is bad and I know that I need to muster up some courage, confidence, verve to push through it. Other people have and I need to too. And then hopefully there will be a chain reaction and I won’t spend my days watching trashy tv and eating chocolate.
So this post was about nothing really. The main points are: 1) I suck. 2) The more I embrace my suckiness, the more I suck. 3) I need to suck less. 4) When I suck less, my life will suck less and hopefully I can start becoming happy.